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querty
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The European Jokeforum

Post by querty » Tue Aug 19, 2003 7:15 pm

Let's start a forum where everyone can tell us a joke he heard from other people, has read on the net, ... . But, you know, keep it a little bit decent otherwise I don't know what they are going to do with this forum.

Here is the first one:

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of
intersecting forest pathways one day, when they
collided at the point where the pathways meet.
They immediately began to argue with one another
as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the
snake remarked that he had been blind since
birth, and thus should be given additional
leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth. The two animals then forgot
about the collision and began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind. The snake
said that his greatest regret was the loss of his
identity. He had never been able to see his
reflection in water, and for that reason did not
know exactly what he looked like, or even what he
was. The rabbit declared that he had the same
problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other,
the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
head to toe, and then try to describe what the
other animal was. The snake agreed, and started
by winding himself around the rabbit. After a
few moments, he announced, 'You've got very soft,
fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little
fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a
bunny rabbit!' The rabbit was much relieved to
find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the
snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted,
'Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got
beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all
the time, and you've got a forked tongue.
I think you're a lawyer!
Last edited by querty on Sat Apr 10, 2004 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by !Pretfles! » Tue Aug 19, 2003 7:25 pm

here's number 2

:D
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR


:P this is not my story!!!!! :lol:
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Post by querty » Tue Aug 19, 2003 7:50 pm

This is also a good one:

Old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires, "why are you crying?"
Old man: "I just celebrated my 85th birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nyphomaniac blonde beauty who is all a man
could ask for".

Pedestrian: "why are you crying ?"
Old man: "I don't remember where I live."

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Post by querty » Thu Aug 21, 2003 11:34 am

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

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Post by querty » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:09 pm

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

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Post by querty » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:13 pm

An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to Jill, an attractive young woman applying for a job...
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the young woman had not answered one important question -- the question concerning transportation to and from work...

"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.

"Oh, I don't believe I knew I needed to mention it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."

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Post by querty » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:28 pm

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Post by querty » Fri Aug 22, 2003 1:51 pm

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Post by querty » Fri Aug 22, 2003 1:55 pm

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Post by querty » Fri Aug 22, 2003 1:56 pm

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Post by querty » Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:00 pm

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Post by querty » Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:06 pm

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Post by Aaron » Sun Aug 24, 2003 2:50 am

Two hippies lived in a terrace house. Of course, they were growing marijuana, mushrooms and anything you can use for getting your head dizzy. They had become quite good gardeners by time - their flat was like a jungle.

The hippies had a family as neighbour. The garden of the family was in a really bad shape; nothing was growing well. In the garden, they had a small cage with a rabbit inside.

One day the father of the family came to the hippies and said:
-We're going for a holiday. If you take care of our garden and everything is in a good shape when we come back, I'll pay you well.
The hippies had a terrible lack of money so this kind of offer was more than welcome. They agreed and decided to take a good care of the garden.

Next day, the hippies went to the garden and checked every plant one by one; one needed some more nitrogen, another one had a too low pH-value etc. They took a good care of the plants and after a couple of days, the garden was already much better.

One morning the hippies realised they had left the garden gate open in the previous evening and there was a big rottweiler dog shaking the poor little bunny in his teeth. The hippies kicked out the dog but the rabbit was dead already. They became shocked; they knew how much the rabbit ment for the daughter of the family and they'd never get the money because of this.

Then they got an idea: they put the rabbit into their washing machine with a lot of cloride (for whitening). After washing, they took a hairdryer, dried the rabbit carefully and put him back into his cage. The rabbit looked like sleeping. The hippies hoped the family would think the rabbit had got a heart attack or something and not blaim the hippies of the death of the rabbit.

The family came back from their holiday in the following morning. The father came to the hippies and said:
-Really amazing! Not only the garden, it's better than ever before, but what I'm more amazed of is our rabbit! He died two days before our holiday trip and we buried him to the corner of our garden, but when we came back, he was back in the cage looking like nothing had happened!

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Post by querty » Mon Aug 25, 2003 7:54 pm

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for
you.
Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face
says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it
out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we
are living with two tramps."

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Post by querty » Mon Aug 25, 2003 7:57 pm

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?
Its the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line

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