The European Jokeforum

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3948
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Post by 3948 » Fri Oct 27, 2006 7:33 pm

A passenger was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked: "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

The passenger said: "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

The employee smiled and nodded knowingly: "That's why we ask."

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Post by 3948 » Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:54 pm

There was a priest who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom.

His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the priest approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace:

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your entire life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the priest replied.

"I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories
over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the priest to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents.

The priest was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.

Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single parchment, repeating over and over, "there's an 'R', there's an 'R', there's an 'R'..."

"What's the matter, sir?" asked the Saints and Angels.

"There's an 'R'!" exclaimed the priest. "It's celibRate!"

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Post by 3948 » Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:30 pm

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Post by 3948 » Sat Nov 11, 2006 4:44 pm

Good Dog...

One day in a busy butcher's store, a dog walks in.

The butcher not having time to deal with the health hazard himself shouts at the dog to, "SCRAM!"

The dog promptly lowers his head and leaves the shop.

Later in the day the dog re-enters the shop and drops a piece of paper on the floor.

The butcher sees this and picks up the note and reads it.

"Can I please have 1lb of bacon and 12 sausages", the dog promptly drops a $20 bill on the floor.

The butcher quite amazed at this performance prepares the order, takes the money and gives the dog his change back.

He places the bag with the sale inside into the dog's mouth and watches him trot out of the shop.

Seeing that it was now about 4:30pm, the butcher decides to close the shop and follow the dog.

He follows the dog 30 yards down the road where the dog gets up on his hind paws and activates the pedestrian crossing lights with his nose.

"Wow" thinks the butcher who then follows the dog to the bus-stop, where the dog waits patiently for the bus.

After several buses have passed the dog jumps up and hails down the next double-decker, he boards the bus and requests his destination and takes his seat at the front of the bus.

The butcher can't quite believe what he is seeing.

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs on the other side.

The dog rings the bell and alights his transport home.

The butcher then follows him for another 100 yards or so.

The dog approaches a house and lays down his bag of meat on the front porch.

He then backs up the front path and runs and throws himself at the front door.

'WHACK!' the dog collides with the front door.

No answer, so he repeats this again, all whilst the butcher is watching from the other side of the road.

WHACK!! again no answer.

This time the dog jumps up onto the wall and walks round the side of the house where he taps on one of the windows with the side of his head and walks back round to the door.

This time the door opens.

The owner of the dog then enters into rage screaming and shouting at the dog.

The butcher, feeling that this very special dog was being abused, decided to get involved and approached the owner: "How can you have a go at your dog after what he has done? He is an absolute genius!" to which the owner replied: "Genius you say? Well it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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Re: The European Jokeforum

Post by androl » Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:28 pm

In German, we have jokes like:
What's the name of the Chinese traffic minister?
Um-Lei Tung
(Umleitung = German for detour)

so, what's the name of the Japanese traffic minister?
Schinken-San ("Mr Ham")!
Joshu, a Chinese Zen master, asked a cow:
"Do you have Buddha-nature or not?"
The cow answered: "Moo."

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Re: The European Jokeforum

Post by Jes » Sun Dec 04, 2011 7:09 pm

androl wrote:In German, we have jokes like:
What's the name of the Chinese traffic minister?
Um-Lei Tung
(Umleitung = German for detour)

so, what's the name of the Japanese traffic minister?
Schinken-San ("Mr Ham")!
It's a pity that these kind of jokes are only "spanky" in a given language...

For instance, in Spanish: How do you say in Japanese "Baby"?
Answer: Miko-shita Moko-sona

In spanish: "Mi cosita mocosona" means "my snotty little thing"

or: How do you say "bus" in german? :!: (this is a common joke in Spain!) :!:
Answer: Suben-estrujen-bajen

Note: "J" in Spanish is pronounced like "ch" in german, as in "J.S. Bach"

The meaning of "suben, estrujen, bajen" in spanish, is something like: "get up, squeeze, step off" :P
Jes Speaks English, French, Spanish, Tokpisin and Esperanto. (Currently learning Swahili).
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my EBT: http://es.eurobilltracker.com/profile/?user=121292" coins and banknote collector. :)

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Re: The European Jokeforum

Post by lazza » Wed Dec 07, 2011 11:52 am

when I was a kid, there were a whole load of jokes starting "what do you call a man...." . here are some of those that I can remember....

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug (dug)

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward ('ead wood)

What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward ('ead wood wood wood!)

What do you call a man with no legs? Neil (kneel)

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen (I lean)

And, perhaps my favourite....

What do you call a woman making a clay pot while balancing a pint of beer on her head? Beatrix Potter (beer tricks potter!)

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Re: The European Jokeforum

Post by lazza » Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:00 pm

And another rather silly one:

A group of French foreign legion soldiers is lost in the scorching desert.

They hadn't had any water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week but they were well trained and did not give up. Suddenly one of them stopped, starting into the distance, pointing. His companions also stopped, and strained their eyes to try to see what the first legionnaire was pointing at.

"Voila", he said, "Look, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon"? And sure enough, there it was, a miracle in the middle of the desert: a bacon tree.

Slowly they crept forward towards the amazing mystery object in the distance until they were within a just a few meters away from the amazing bacon tree.

As they crept nearer and nearer, suddenly there was a gun-shot, which knocked down one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires dived to the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two soldiers returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded friend. And, as they bandaged him, they could hear his faint voice -

"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'am bush."

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