Guide for the American Traveler (joke)

[Olivier]

Here's what I have found on the Net.
Funny...

***

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food & Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
Watch your money at all times.

French People:
France has a population of 54 million people. 51 million of these people drink and smoke, (the other 3 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet.
American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

French History:
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important Historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

French Government:
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a draw. The French love administration, so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the Traveller.
Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain.
According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

[Olivier]

(part 2)
Do you think it has been writen by english people? Some expressions don't sound american...


***

French Culture:
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same, and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

French Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

French Economy:
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

French Public Holidays:
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361
national holidays are:
· 197 saints' days,
· 37 National Liberation Days,
· 16 Declaration of Republic Days,
· 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War single-handed Days,
· 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days,
· 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and
· 112 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.

Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Bastille Day is July 14 (or as the French would say, "14 July")

Conclusion:
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it were
not inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

[K3lvin]

BTW, do France still have nukes?

[Olivier]

BTW, do France still have nukes?

Yes.

[Tiger]

French Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

I really don't agree with that !
The French cuisine is one of the best I know.
(The only better are Italian, Thai and Chinese)

[Olivier]

French Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

I really don't agree with that !
The French cuisine is one of the best I know.
(The only better are Italian, Thai and Chinese)

Better than cheeseburgers!

[Tiger]

Cheeseburger isn't that bad, but if I eat more than 2 in 1 week, I get really really sick.

[TC]

very funny!!!

just a little stupid , a little true, but very funny...

except perhaps for "some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. "(joke)

[iveohc]

Well, they hit the nail on the head (except the paragraph about germany, of course )

Is this available for other countries such as Germany, England or Italy as well?

[esperantisto]

*keels over laughing* HA!

My favorite part was:
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

;-)

[Wouter1]

ROTTLMAF

[emmem]

*keels over laughing* HA!

My favorite part was:
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

It almost made me believe that cheese was a weapon too.